Justice, Mercy, and Grace

We've been doing Tim Keller's Bible study on the book of Galatians in Sunday school, and the topic inevitably turns to parenting and how we apply these truths to raising children.  We had such a thought-provoking conversation this week that I wanted to write it down so I could remember it, let it simmer, and come back to these ideas in the future.

We talked about the difference between justice, mercy and grace, and how God shows all three throughout Scripture, and how we as parents are to show all three too.  Justice was defined as getting something you deserve - punishment for sin.  As we parent, this is the picture of the law - having clear boundaries established for our children, and clear consequences when boundaries are broken.  One parent asked our pastor what justice looks like specifically when he parents - and how he still maintains the law in his home, but communicates to his kids that they are no longer under the curse of the law.  He says they have varying consequences for varying levels of sin, and that some times they need to be firmer and come down harder on their kids, but as soon as repentance is displayed, his whole demeanor changes, forgiveness is quickly given, fellowship is restored, and there's a mini celebration of sorts.

Mercy was defined as not getting something we deserve.  I have often called this grace when dealing with my children, so it was a good distinction to make.  When a child disobeys and deserves a consequence for their sin, we give them mercy by withholding the consequence.  God is full of mercy, and so this too should be present in our homes and as we deal with other people.

So the big discussion came when we got to grace.  What does it look like to give our kids grace?  Grace was defined as being given something that is undeserved - a free gift not at all reliant upon our actions or attitudes.  Many of us were wondering what this can look like as we seek to raise our children, and one woman had such a beautiful example.  Here is her story:
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She has 5 children, and her middle daughter came to her one morning asking if she could please wear one of her older sister's hair bows.  The big bows are more expensive, and used for special occasions, so the mother was not feeling inclined to let her wear it to school, but the daughter was so eager to wear it, and assured her mother she would take great care of it and bring it back home exactly as it was.  Finally after much talk over expectations, etc., the mother granted the child permission.  The next morning as the children were getting ready for school, she asked her daughter where the hair bow was.  Her daughter said, "oh yeah, I'll just put it on the bathroom."  Then out of the corner of her eye, she noticed the girl slip in and out of the bathroom and slip away.  Feeling like something was amiss, the mother wen to the bathroom and saw that the bow had been utterly destroyed.  Not only had her daughter not taken care of the bow as she had promised she would, but she tried to hide the fact from her mother and essentially lied to her.

At this point the mother was very angry, but the bus for school was waiting, and so she told her daughter they would talk about it after school (she knew she wasn't in the right state of mind to talk about it then anyway).  All day the mother was confronted with her anger - the money lost, the cover-up, the irresponsibility of the daughter.  When the daughter returned home from school, they went to the couch to talk about the situation.  Her mother said, "You didn't take care of the bow as you assured me you would, you didn't tell me that you had ruined the bow, and then when I asked you for it, you tried to deceive me by quietly slipping the bow back into the bathroom.  You deserve to be disciplined on many different levels, but Mommy isn't going to discipline you this time.  Instead, I bought you a new bow - one of the big ones - the most beautiful one I could find.  And this bow is yours - to do with and take care of how you please.  I won't ask you to show it to me, or to keep it nice, it is given freely to you with no expectations."
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Even though it's just a story about a bow, I thought it was such a beautiful example of showing grace in parenting.  I look forward to continuing this conversation alongside this group of parents who are seeking to honor God as they raise their children.